All Hands on the Poop Deck

Recently eaten: lemon garlic roast chicken
Recent annoyance: Glad you out-of-towners enjoyed the Inauguration, but please leave town quietly and immediately

You know, they would never give a person the same benefit of the doubt: "The monkey is not considered dangerous."

Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay (via YahooNews)
Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous.

"This is easier than throwing the stuff"

Too Fast, Too Simian

Recently eaten: crispy pork boudin balls
Recent annoyance: the people who walk their dogs outside my window at midnight every night

Classic story: Japanese chimp learn to ride a segway. Rides like the Devil.

Calling Dr. Zaius

Recently eaten: turkey sandwich
Recent annoyance: boring Friday

This is exactly the kind of stuff that will get us in trouble when the monkeys and apes take over the planet.

No business like monkey business at Japan tavern (Reuters)
Good help proving hard to find? A Japanese tavern is relying on monkey business to keep customers happy.

The Kayabukiya tavern, a traditional "sake house" north of Tokyo employs a pair of Japanese macaque called Yat-chan and Fuku-chan to serve patrons.

The younger of the two monkeys, Fuku-chan, hands out customers a hot towel to clean their hands before they order their drinks, as is the custom in Japan.

Hungry Hungry Monkeys

Recently eaten: pesto
Recent annoyance: the irony of my ceiling leak being caused by my air conditioning in overdrive

Fools. Firecrackers only scare away evil spirits and rampaging elephants. The only thing that can get rid of zealous monkeys, are murderous monkeys. Someone needs to train a mercenary army of monkeys to chase the hungry monkeys out. I certainly don't want to be around for the mess after that battle.

Hungry monkeys plunder Indonesian crops (CNN)
Bands of starving monkeys have destroyed crops around Indonesia's famous Borobudur Buddhist temple in search of food their habitat can no longer supply.

Long-tailed macaque monkeys have a reputation for knowing how to find food according to experts.

Dedi Rinyadi works for the Natural Resources Conservation Agency. Rinyadi says thousands of the long-tailed macaques went searching for sustenance Wednesday in several villages of Central Java province.

Rinyadi says the primate population has exploded due to dwindling predators, but drought has led to food shortages.

The monkeys have stolen crops and destroyed about 400 hectares (990 acres) of farmland -- including around the 7th-century Buddhist temple complex outside the sultanate of Yogyakarta.

Distressed farmers are using firecrackers and air-rifles to chase them from their villages.

"Go ahead, make my day."

Monkey to My Heart

Recently eaten: spanish omelette
Recent annoyance: oatmeal crust in my mug

I might as start a new tag called "monkeyschoosingstuff" because this is the second monkey-selection-related article I've posted in a week. Apparently, this is a monkey matchmaker. Does it work if he's bribed with bananas? Is he just looking for the picture the most resembles another monkey in heat? Who knows. You can ask the Washington Post.

Date Lab

Monkey See, Monkey Do Join Capitalism

Recently eaten: ravioli in vodka sauce
Recent annoyance: itchy tag

This crazy website sells some weird foodstuffs from all over the place. They probably just take the crocodile curry off the Thai supermarket shelf, slap a sterile looking black and white label on it and call it "edible." I definitely think the Edible Monkey-Picked Tea would be my monkey pick of the week.

The other stuff

"I sure hope the monkey washed his hands first."

The Tiniest Daredevil

Recently eaten: spaghetti and portabello mushrooms
Recent annoyance: am I coming or going?

I don't know how they get those little uniforms on the monkey. Heck, I don't even care. I just want to know if these little guys can jump over a tiny bus.

Little monkeys ride tiny motorcycles

Masa-lotta Going on

Recently eaten: chipotle burrito
Recent annoyance: whoever keeps dumping out tons of oatmeal on the sidewalk for the pigeons to eat

I used to want to visit India. I thought it would be a great backpacking type of trip...all that romantic travel stuff. But a couple of recent articles have convinced me that it is probably most dangerous place on earth and I wouldn't have a chance of making it out alive.

Cow-eating trees
Carnivorous trees grabbing humans and cattle and gobbling them up is not just village folklore.

Residents of Padrame near Kokkoda in Uppinangady forest range sighted one such carnivorous tree trying to dine on a cow last Thursday. According to reports, the cow owned by Anand Gowda had been left to graze in the forests.

The cow was suddenly grabbed by the branches and pulled from the ground. The terrified cowherd ran to the village, and got Gowda and a band of villagers to the carnivorous tree.

Before the tree could have its meal, Anand Gowda and the villagers struck mortal blows to the branches that turned limp and the cow was rescued. Uppinangady range forest officer (RFO) Subramanya Rao said the tree was described as ‘pili mara’ (tiger tree) in native lingo.

He had received many complaints about cattle returning home in the evenings without tails. On Friday, the field staff confirmed coming across a similar tree in Padrane, partially felled down.

However no detailed inquiry was made as the authorities were not asked for any report, Rao said.

Monkeys kill Delhi Deputy Mayor
The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

The city has long struggled to counter its plague of monkeys, which invade government complexes and temples, snatch food and scare passers-by.

The High Court ordered the city to find an answer to the problem last year.

Solution elusive

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

The city has also employed monkey catchers to round them up so they can be moved to forests.

But the problem has persisted.

Culling is seen as unacceptable to devout Hindus, who revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman, and often feed them bananas and peanuts.

Urban development around the city has also been blamed for destroying the monkeys' natural habitat.

Mr Bajwa, a member of the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), is survived by his wife and a son, according to the Press Trust of India news agency.

Sugar Pie, Honey Bun, Aiiieeee! Nooo!

Recently eaten: turkey burger
Recent annoyance: drawing my eyebrows in every morning

I guess it's routine for a kinkajou to ride the buses of Mexico City. I'm not sure how it paid the fare, but I would have pulled the stop signal as soon as it started biting.

Kinkajou flees zoo, bites bus passenger
A kinkajou, also known as a honey bear — that escaped from a Mexico City zoo boarded a bus and attacked a passenger, officials said Tuesday. The kinkajou, which is about the size of a small dog, got on the bus at about 11 p.m. Monday after escaping from the San Juan de Aragon Zoo.

The animal sat next to the bus driver for almost an hour as he drove through the city, and scratched and bit a 20-year-old female passenger when she tried to hold it, the Mexican news agency Notimex said.

There was some initial confusion about the animal's identity. While Red Cross spokesman Jair Martinez initially identified the creature as a monkey, and some local media referred to it as a lemur, Aleli Mayorca of the city's main Chapultepec Zoo said it was a "martucha," or kinkajou, a nocturnal animal native to Central and South America.

The kinkajou is related to, but different from, the raccoon.

Martinez said the woman was treated for her injury, and the animal was placed in quarantine. He said he had no further details.

"Then all of a sudden, it went craaaazy!"

The Cat Came Back - After We Shot It With A Tranq Gun

Recently eaten: kofte sandwich, lentil soup
Recent annoyance: this strange thing my voice is doing that makes me sound like a prepubescent boy (comes and goes)

So the zookeepers at the Tokyo Zoo practice a different sort of fire drill that involves runaway animals. In lieu of recent escapes, the Tokyo Zoo chases down a "runaway orangutang" aka a zoo worker dressed in a funny suit. Then they "take down" and "capture" the little guy.

"I like you man, but you're craaazy!"

Life Imitating Art Imitating Monkeys

Recently eaten: pot roast, rice pilaf
Recent annoyance: that one contact lens that just can't lay right

My favorite SNL commercial of all time, Bathroom Monkey, has come to life! Maybe we could let a few more of these chimps go and just see what happens. I am perfectly happy to provide a small snack for an ape that will clean my bathroom. Plus, an ape has superior arm strength for really scrubbing the mildew out of tile grout. Look, it's just a thought. That is so money!

Escaped chimp gets snack, clean bathroom
"An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped yesterday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.

As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.

The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher says Judy was groggy but fine after the episode."

Oranguatan Will Not Wear Diaper

Recently eaten: sooshi
Recent annoyance: finding out that pantyhose never fits me because my right thigh is exponentially larger than my left

I know that this is a very real problem for both people with monkey helpers and the TSA officials that must inspect them. But, seriously, this is awesome.

TSA Guidelines on Inspecting Monkey Helpers
Best part -- "The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection. "

I think I'll start hanging out at the airport

It Was An Unlikely Friendship...

Nice kitty

Stop the Ape on Ape Violence

Chimp or Sasquatch?
"A chimpanzee carrying a club was allegedly spotted yesterday morning in the backyard of a Thousand Oaks, California home. So far, authorities haven't tracked down the animal. As the search continues, Loren Coleman wonders over at Cryptomundo if this was a case of mistaken identity and that the chimp is actually Bigfoot."

"I will smash you humans like a termite colony!"