All Hands on the Poop Deck

Recently eaten: lemon garlic roast chicken
Recent annoyance: Glad you out-of-towners enjoyed the Inauguration, but please leave town quietly and immediately

You know, they would never give a person the same benefit of the doubt: "The monkey is not considered dangerous."

Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay (via YahooNews)
Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous.

"This is easier than throwing the stuff"

Poo Poo Platter

Recently eaten: tilapia
Recent annoyance: my next door neighbor moves all of his trash outside of his apartment door at midnight every weekend

I don't really know if there is anything clever or witty to say about this incident. Except that people in Australia take football very seriously.

Pub row erupts after feces found in ice cream (Yahoo)
A bitter row has broken out between one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs and a family of five who accused chefs of serving human excrement in their gelato after they complained about noise during a football match.

State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed on Wednesday that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.

Money for Nothing

Recently eaten: eggplant pizza
Recent annoyance: that gripping fear in the middle fo the night that you've overslept or never set your alarm

What a bargain!

130-million year old poop sells for $960

And, if you really want to get down to business, you can rate people's poo here. Probably NSFW...or for anyone who doesn't like to see poop.

For Jg.

Light A Match!

Recently eaten: oysters
Recent annoyance: the distinct and nagging feeling that I have forgotten to pay an web bill

Kind of makes me wonder if this started innocently as some little quarrel. woman says "no, I won't get up off the toilet and you can't make me." So the guy says, "fine, stay there for all I care." And, two years later, the stubbornest woman alive...

Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years

NESS CITY, Kan. - Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.

Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

“And her reply would be, ‘Maybe tomorrow,”’ Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”

Meat Your Maker

Recently eaten: bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with ricotta cheese
Recent annoyance: the lacks of people actually moving at the end of the year

I suppose this isn't really a surprise. USA Today found out that most recalled meat is never recovered and likely eaten. Who keeps their flank steak in the refrigerator long enough to find out a week later that some meat plant worker sneezed into your stuff?

A little food poisoning never hurt anyone, right? ("The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that in the United States alone, food poisoning causes about 76 million illnesses, 325,000 hospitalizations, and up to 5,000 deaths each year. One of the most common bacterial forms of infection, the salmonellae organisms, account for one billion dollars in medical costs and lost work time.")

Poop Deck

Recently eaten: chicken ravioli
Recent annoyance: the AC in my office apparently cannot turn to the middle setting. It goes 1-2-3 and the button sticks on 1 and 3 but never on 2.

This is a moral outrage. This whole situation gives police officers and clogged plumbing a bad name. I'll admit that I've had a word or two with my own toilet on occasion. It's a family matter.

Toilet tongue-lashing gets potty-mouth cited
Talk about a potty mouth.

A Scranton woman who allegedly shouted profanities at her overflowing toilet within earshot of a neighbor was cited for disorderly conduct, authorities said.

Dawn Herb could face up to 90 days in jail and a fine of up to $300.

"It doesn't make any sense. I was in my house. It's not like I was outside or drunk," Herb told The Times-Tribune of Scranton. "The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling (for my daughter) to get the mop."

Herb doesn't recall exactly what she said, but she admitted letting more than a few choice words fly near an open bathroom window Thursday night.

Her next-door neighbor, a city police officer who was off-duty at the time, asked her to keep it down, police said. When she continued, the officer called police.

Mary Catherine Roper, an attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union in Philadelphia, took issue with the citation.

"You can't prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet," she said.

Poop mouth

The Voodoo You Doo Doo So Well

Recently eaten: calzone
Recent annoyance: the post office

For the squeamish, please do not read on. but for the rest of you, those of you with insatiable appetites for knowledge and factoids about poo. Here's a good one.

What makes fecal matter brown?
Feces are fascinating. Flush down your initial grade-school scatological silliness and you'll discover a world of energy efficiency and unparalleled waste management. If machines, industries and nations ran as well as your stomach, intestines and colon, we could say goodbye to a lot of landfills.

The complex digestion process ensures that almost no useful energy goes unused. The average bowel movement is three parts water to one part solid matter. Bacteria make up 30 percent of the solid stuff. The same goes for indigestible foods like cellulose and extra fiber. The remaining 40 percent contains various inorganic wastes, fats and used-up body substances like red blood cells, which are released from the liver in an orange-brown compound called bilirubin.

Bilirubin mixes with another liver product, yellowish bile, to give poo its distinctive hue.

Howdy Ho, mystery solved!

Gua-No Problem

Recently eaten: salmon bites, tiny cupcakes Recent annoyance: scratching a spot that feels itchy, but isn't quite the spot

You may think you are having a bad Monday morning, but this poor family in New York might have you beat. Look at this way, at least the house was built well enough to withstand over a ton of bat poo. I don;t even want to know how many vampires they had to kill.

3,500 pounds of bat guano found in attic
An upstate New York couple didn't think a few bats in the attic were much of a problem when they were buying a house last summer. Months later, they found out how wrong they were when they discovered more than a ton and a half of bat droppings up there.

Nick LaBoda and Jenna Caputo say a home inspector informed them about the bats. They called an exterminator, who told them to wait a while before removing the bats because the babies were too young to fly.

Then they forgot about the bats until they smelled a foul odor in January. When they checked the attic, they found dead bats and piles of guano. An exterminator says hundreds of bats had been living in the attic, leaving behind 3,500 pounds of droppings.

It cost $25,000 to clean up the mess, and the couple's insurance company wouldn't cover it. They're fighting it out in court.

"The Count says, you should have killed those damned baby bats."

Compact Only

Recently eaten: couscous, chicken
Recent annoyance: clothes that must be ironed

You know, those Europeans are really on to something.

Drunk man parks horse at German bank
An early-morning German bank customer had a bit of a shock when he found a horse already in line at the automatic teller machine in front of him. It seems the horse's owner, identified only as Wolfgang H., had a bit too much to drink the night before and decided to sleep it off inside the bank's heated foyer, police said Tuesday.

The 40-year-old machinist told Bild newspaper he had had "a few beers" with a friend in Wiesenburg, southwest of Berlin, and decided to hit the hay in the bank on his way home.

"It was late, it was already dark and cold," he was quoted as saying.

Confronted with the lack of a hitching-post, he brought the 6-year-old horse, named Sammy, in along with him.

When a customer came across the horse and sleeping rider in the bank at 4:15 a.m. Monday, he called police, who then came and woke the owner up and sent him on his way.

No charges were filed, but there might be some cleanup needed: Apparently Sammy made his own after-hours deposit on the carpet.

"Receipt? No thanks."

StoMach 3

Recently eaten: lasagna
Recent annoyance: stomach sensitivity

Blast this clean-living! Now that I am off the 8000 calorie per day diet, my stomach has become a big wuss about food. One drop of grease, and my night is over. This is really terrible news and a profound embarrassment to my family. My face burns with shame.

Horse D'oeuvres

Recently eaten: tuna melt
Recent annoyance: lost wallet

Forget the return of the Third Reich, Dick Cheney, or ants in your pants. I have found, hands down, the scariest thing I have seen in a very long time: guide horses. I immediately threw my laptop out the window when I found the homepage, so I haven't figured out what happens when these little guys start pooing on the job. It's alos unclear what happens when they go beserk and try to trample you from down below.

Guide Horse Foundation - Miniature Horses for the Blind

"That's it, that's it, she ain't never gonna be right."

Poo At The Zoo

Recently eaten: pad thai
Recent annoyance: peple who don't get my esoteric halloween costumes

Word! For all you scatologists out there:

The Scoop on Poop

Why an Exhibit on Poop?
Fish do it, frogs do it, pythons, eagles and elephants do it, yet poop is one of those subjects we find difficult to talk about with a straight face. Kids, however, are positively fascinated by it, and poop is interesting stuff, really! Animals use poop to build homes, hide from enemies, attract mates, send messages, and cool off - some even eat it. Veterinarians, farmers, naturalists, paleontologists, Maasai tribesmen and power companies use it too. And poop is a scientific puzzle. With a little detective work, you can learn a lot about an animal by what it leaves behind.

Exhibit Description:
The Scoop on Poop is a traveling exhibition based on the popular book by Dr. Wayne Lynch. The exhibition leads visitors on an investigation of what poop is and how animals and humans use it. The Scoop on Poop treats the subject with a tactful blend of good science and fun.

The Scoop on Poop features large colorful graphic panels, three-dimensional models, and fun interactive components. Visitors are invited to listen in on an animal’s digestive system, learn the language of poop in countries around the world, examine fecal samples in a veterinarian’s lab, compete in dung beetle races, track wild animals by clues left in scat, see how long it takes an elephant to poop their body weight, improve their #2 IQ in stool school, and meet a dinosaur dung detective.

The Scoop on Poop was created by the exhibits department of Clyde Peeling’s Reptiland in Allenwood, Pennsylvania, a zoological institution accredited by the American Zoo and Aquarium Association. Design and construction of the exhibition took over three years. This is the largest exhibition ever mounted about the science of scat.