No Love For Shopping Pirates

Recently eaten: pesto tortellini
Recent annoyance: lukewarm AC

It's a good thing I didn't join that WAKA kickball team, Bazooka Joe's.

Man arrested in NYC Macy's for carrying sword
A man who was carrying a rusted pirate-style sword through Macy's flagship store in Manhattan is facing charges of criminal possession of a weapon.

Police say 29-year-old Lawrence Jackson was brandishing the curved sword while visiting Macy's Herald Square store Sunday with his girlfriend.

He told police he was carrying the sword because he is a member of a kickball team whose players often wear pirate-themed costumes. He maintains he was on his way to a game when he was arrested.

"...and, booty, YAR!"

Samuridin' Dertay

Recently eaten: tuna noodle casserole
Recent annoyance: cold nose but hot feet when I am sleeping

Hmm, I am not sure I feel any safer having some guy out there with a sword that can appear and disappear noiselessly. Sure, he or she may have used the sword for good in this case, but if I had a sword and was about 25 cents short for the Sunday newspaper, you better believe I'd "disappear".

Mysterious Samurai Saves Police in UK
"A samurai sword wielding vigilante has come to the rescue of two Police officers when they were attacked by an armed gang in South Shields, England.

A group of men had forced their way into a house and were ransacking the place when passing plain-clothes officers were alerted by a woman inside screaming.

The criminals outnumbered them and were armed with a hammer, knives and chains and attacked the Police officers.

As one of them stabbed at a Policeman with his knife, a mysterious do-gooder appeared from nowhere and attacked him with a samurai sword.

One of the burglars began running away but was stopped by the stranger who struck him on the arm with the sword.

Two of the criminals were arrested, but in true hero style the samurai disappeared before police could speak to him.

A third man was arrested later and two more are still being hunted.

Police are especially keen to trace the man with the sword who came to the aid of their officers, and have asked for anyone with information to call them."

Hiiiyaaarrrrgh!

Recently eaten: lump crab cake, soft shell crab, rockfish, french fries, hush puppies
Recent annoyance: heat rises

It is an age old question, who would win in a fight between a ninja and a pirate? The ninja: brave soldier and master of the stealthy art of killing people from rooftops and ceilings. The pirate: all bravado and wooden legs, expert cutlass wielder to be used when descending from tall sails.

Consider these morsels: Pirates Versus Ninjas

Review of Pirates of the Caribbean, by a ninja

Important Words to Live By

Recently eaten: rice noodles
Recent annoyance: caffeine withdrawal

Ninja Code of Honor

* Never betray your clan.
* Accomplish the mission; failure is not an option.
* Always put the clan and the mission before yourself.
* If you are captured, escape.
* If you cannot escape, commit seppuku.
* If you can't commit seppuku, resist.
* If you can't rescue a comrade, take his life. It's better for them to die than to fall into the hands of the enemy.
* Serve your chunin (cell leader) and jonin (clan leader) with total, unquestioning obedience.
* Live in shadow; never reveal your true self.
* If it is not necessary to the mission to kill, don't kill.
* If it is necessary to the mission to kill, don't hesitate.
* Honor the Buddhas.
* Never srike a member of the same ryu.
* To leave the ryo is to die; No nukenin (rogue ninja) may be allowed to live.
* Your master's enemies are your enemies.
* Accept missions only from your chunin.
* Never arrange a contract yourself.
* Never question or refuse a mission.
* Strive for peace, harmony and enlightenment in all things.
* Always keep supplies hidden, away from home, in case you must flee.
* Always aid a genin (fellow ninja) from your own ryu.
* Never use the terms "ninja", "shinobi", or "assassin" when speaking in public. Use code words and metaphors when speaking in public so as not to jeopardize yourself, the mission or the clan.
* Always observe others and know your surroundings.
* You are always being observered. Always.

Totally badass!

Phobia Cornucopia: Part I

Recently eaten: bag of cashews, hot pocket
Recent annoyance: humidity

This is part I of Phoebe's Phobia Cornucopia series which will explore all of my irrational and weird phobias. Yes, it's all a rich tapestry. I decided to start with my fear of open water after stumbling upon this article, "Invention Allows Humans to Breathe Like Fish." What, you may ask, is so frightening about this miracle of science? I'll tell you what the future may hold:

1. Once humans are allowed to roam free underwater, it's not just the sharks and the sea horses one has to look out for. Any pick-pocketing, jail-breaking, underwater knife-wielding maniac could be lying in wait for me under the waves. It's a beautiful day at the beach, right? WRONG! You just got hog-tied and whipped with a sack of door knobs by a gang of hydro-ruffians.
2. Did you ever think that breathing underwater is all the fish have going for them? The Little Mermaid wasn't just whistling Dixie when she pined, "Wish I could be part of that world." Once we start living it up and having huge underwater raves, the fish will have even more reason to hate us aside from our luxuriantly scale-free bipedal appendages. And the current mammalian braniac of the sea, dolphins, will probably start shooting us with lasers. That they have the technology and the bloodthirst, I am most certain.

Ah, I digress. As I get on in years, I find my paranoia mounting and a number of strange phobias have manifested themselves. I did a little searching around about my fear of open water and found the following terminology that might help you to understand my condition:

• Hydrophobia--fear of water
  
• Cymophobia--fear of waves or wave-like motion
  
• Thalassaphobia--fear of the ocean or the sea
• Oneirogmophobia--fear of wet dreams
  

Open water is one of my more understandable fears. The fear of the unknown, of the murky depths mastered only by pirates and Caribbean Cruise Lines, leaves me stranded on the beach every summer. Compounding this fear are the existence of sharks, my inability to swim, and my incredibly non-buoyant body. Sailing on the Riviera? Swimming with the dolphins? This landlubber says "no thanks." I'll join the legions of the scared and dry in a world where Kevin Costner would never have made Waterworld and my digits won't get pruney until they shove me in a casket.