Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Who Moved My Cheese? (Because I Will Hunt You Down)

Recently eaten: baked potato
Recent annoyance: another 4 inches of rain

That vortex of blueberry yogurts, and black hole of skim milk that would have been delicious in your coffee if it hadn't mysteriously evaporated: the office refrigerator.

The Problem:

  • Never enough room: fitting food in the office refrigerator is like trying to stuff a whale into a pillowcase (thanks, JYo). It's virtually impossible, you're not sure why you're even trying, and you always get the business end of a blowhole.
  • The office diet: At home, I can safely assume that no one is going to eat that cup of raw yogurt cultures. In the office, someone is inevitably on some strange macrobiotic diet that requires warm yak milk, and fresh grass clippings. How do I know that someone isn't on the all-Redi-Whip diet?
  • Packaging: Granted, the inside of the fridge is about as clean as a small child's index finger but there's no need to keep every mini-veggie burrito in its infinite layers of cardboard, plastic, and paper wrappings. This goes for containers that are too large for their contents. I think the baby carrots will survive without the biodome tupperware container.
With nobody willing to take responsibility, office refrigerators often breed disgust

The Solution:
  • The Military Approach: All other food stuffs are suspect and should be treated as hostile. Insurgency is likely, and best to quell uprisings amongst staff early and with an iron fist.
  • Project Runway Approach: Food will be judged on quality of appearance and presentation. Everything else is OUT.
  • The Freudian Approach: Anything doesn't look like your mother, or wasn't placed in the fridge by a mother figure will be tossed.

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