Warming to Global Warming

Recently eaten: scrambled eggs, turkey sandwich on onion bun
Recent annoyance: stinky children in waterlogged diapers at the beach...UNhygienic

As I wither away in the burning hot heat of our nation's capital, keeping my flammable hair away from innumerable illegal fireworks displays shooting out of neighbors' yards and hands, I can't help but ask the question: why is it so damn hot? Inquiring minds want to know. I did a little investigation on my favorite tabloid science website, LiveScience.com.

Scientists, world politicians and Michael Crichton have been debating the facts around the global warming phenomenon for years. While experts and fake experts all agree that the earth's temperature is rising, they cannot come to agreement on whether the causes are natural or impacted directly by human activity. T-rexes and academics can agree that the effects of global warming aren't all bad. Oh wait, maybe the t-rexes wouldn't be so hot for climate change.

How Global Warming Is Changing the Wild Kingdom

Here are some strange side effects from the full list of species changes

"Reindeer are expected to disappear from large portions of their current range by the end of the century." I say Santa's had it pretty good for a long time now. Let's see what happens when his little indentured reindeer servitude racket gets shaken up. Suddenly a lump of coal doesn't sound so bad.

"Marmots are ending their hibernations about three weeks earlier than they did 30 years ago." They will overrun the streets of this city, cranky, overgrown hamsters that will dig up your garden, steal the hubcaps off of your tires, and leave tiny, raisin-sized droppings to terrorize the city.

"Canadian red squirrels are breeding about 18 days earlier." It's nothing that a little abstinence education can't fix.

"Polar bears today are thinner and less healthy than those of 20 years ago." Scientists attribute this to unrealistic representations of polar bears in the media. Young polar bears often face crippling self-image issues. Traditional activities like picking through Eskimo garbage and eating seals too fat to move has given way to crash dieting and chewing zero-calorie ice floes.

"Coral reefs around the world are predicted to increase by up to a third in size." Global warming: Viagra of the Sea. Not to be confused with the tunafish brand.

"Elephant seal pups are leaner because their prey is migrating to cooler waters." Leaner elephant seal pups mean leaner elephant seal bacon. Take note, Jimmy Dean!

"Tidal organisms like rock barnacles, mollusks, and tidal snails commonly found in warm southern waters are moving northward." This explains New Jersey.

"Some plants are thriving in areas where their growth was limited before, thanks to temperature changes that provide more water, heat and sunlight." This, children, is the miracle of photosynthesis.

Global Warming Might Create Lopsided Planet
"Extra precipitation expected as a result of global warming could create a lopsided world in which sea ice increases around the South Pole while the far north melts away." That's it Santa, you're really done for now. I'll bet you wish more children had asked for the rainforest to be saved for Christmas. Happy Hanukkah!

Global Warming Makes Sea Less Salty
"You won't want to drink water straight from the ocean anytime soon. But the salt content is on the decline, a sign of potentially worrisome consequences that scientists can't accurately predict." Good news for the missing at sea and pirates. Nothing like salinated water to make you lose your marbles. If they can just start growing oranges in the middle of the ocean, they can rid seafaring of another scurvaceous sea scourge.

Space Ring Could Shade Earth And Stop Global Warming
"A wild idea to combat global warming suggests creating an artificial ring of small particles or spacecrafts around Earth to shade the tropics and moderate climate extremes.

There would be side effects, proponents admit. An effective sunlight-scattering particle ring would illuminate our night sky as much as the full Moon, for example.

And the price tag would knock the socks off even a big-budget agency like NASA: $6 trillion to $200 trillion for the particle approach. Deploying tiny spacecraft would come at a relative bargain: a mere $500 billion tops.

But the idea, detailed today in the online version of the journal Acta Astronautica, illustrates that climate change can be battled with new technologies, according to one scientist not involved in the new work." Godzilla can also be battled with new technologies like the atomic bomb.

So the next time your hair is looking a little flat, ramp up the aerosol hairspray a notch. The Christmas-haters and Canadian red squirrels are depending on you.