Let's Get Physical

Recently eaten: rice pilaf, chicken, and broccoli
Recent annoyance: flash flooding, flip-flops, alliteration

For all the hypochondriacs in the audience, I've got something that's going to blow your mind. Having trouble making the connectioon between what may be totally normal bodily behaviors and possibly terminal illnesses? Do you run out of nutrient deficiencies to worry about? Fear not, sickies, I've got just the thing for you and it's this website: What's Your Body Telling You?

What I found was not only disturbing, but consisted of a plethora of mind-boggling questions that put Jadakiss' single "Why?" to shame. I still don't know why did Kobe have to hit that raw, but I do know the answers to the following:

"Do you crave butter?"
Then you have a sodium deficiency. The argument is that butter contains salt which is why the sodium-deficient crave the sweet, creamy goodness. The unexpected twist is why we crave sodium. "Scientists say we have evolved from aquatic animals, that's why we have a ridge of hair down our back - a remnant from streamlining in water. And that's also why we have a ridge on our top lip, a remnant of the air seal formed between our nose and our lip when we screw our face up in the water. It's also why blood has a similar salt and mineral mix to seawater. And that's why we need salt."

These salt-deficient freaks are roaming free in the population with ridges of hair down their backs, bristling in the sun like some terribly misplaed hairplugs, desperate for a stick of Land O'Lakes. They will take to the sewers, expert swimmers with their upper lip ridges to protect them against streams of raw sewage, all to taste the rich, milky smoothness of real butter. I think I'll just keep eating my sodium-rich ramen, and avoid the sewer monkeys all together.

"Do you have chicken skin on your upper arms?"
Then you may be deficient in essential fatty acids. Okay, I'm just going to take a stab in the dark here but if you've got bumpy, yellow, saggy skin on your upper arms, how is that a lack of fatty acids? The website says, "Children with low blood levels of essential omega-3 fatty acids, have a greater tendency to have problems with behavior, learning and health consistent with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or (ADHD). Some previous studies by other researchers have indicated that symptoms associated with a deficiency in fatty acids are exhibited to a greater extent in children with ADHD. Those symptoms include thirst, frequent urination and dry skin and hair. Some researchers, however, were able to pinpoint omega-3s as the fatty acids that may be associated with the unique behavior problems in children with ADHD."

Chicken skin, hyperactivity, frequent urination, and dry skin and hair? This isn't a medical condition, it's an age-old social status called "unpopular." It's the kid who wore diapers well into middle school. It's the kid running around with saggy arms that everyone called "Saggy-arm-jawea: lady friend, and native american guide to Clueless and Dork, intrepid pioneers of the New World."

"Do you suffer from spontaneous bleeding?"
Then you may be deficient in vitamin C or vitamin K. Me thinks that vitamin deficiency is the least of your problems when you're spontaneously bleeding. Another theory is that you may also be a pirate. Many long months on the high seas without an orange to be had will leave you low in vitamin C. Also, pirates are known for spontaneous bleeding when boarding ships, searching for booty, and replacing their hands with hooks.

"Does your baby's urine smell of maple syrup?"
I'm not sure where to begin with this one, but it's apparently a very serious condition. The site recommends that the parent "should seek medical attention." I am not sure if this is for the baby's sake, or for treatment for excessive baby urine-sniffing.

"Maple Syrup Urine Disease (MSUD) is an extremely rare inherited metabolic disorder characterized by a distinctive sweet odor of the urine and sweat. It is a serious disorder that, unless treated promptly and correctly, can be life threatening. Therapy must be started at the earliest possible age to achieve the best results. MSUD is manageable, just as diabetes is manageable, but care and attention must be given to diet and to the treatment of even minor illnesses." They couldn't come up with a better name? Thank god that symptoms are manifested in the odor and not the consistency. Aunt Jemima is rolling in her syrup bottle-shaped grave.

If you're starting to feel at peace with your life and you're running out of things to worry about, check out this site. You'll thank me for it, and so will your sickeningly sweet smelling baby.