No-Neck Lives Again!

Recently eaten: eggs, lots of eggs
Recent annoyance: sticks

So the front lines of the gentrification war in Columbia Heights have finally reached 2903. And more specifically, the side of my neck. The historically black neighborhood of CH has literally and figuratively laid down a line of pain and rage...on my neck.


It all began like the end of any other workday as I walked home a few blocks from the bus stop. Little did I know I would run into a roaming gang of young ruffians and I had unwittingly ordered the after-school special with a super-sized side of whupass. Long story short, some kids threw a rock at me, called me some names, and then wailed on me with a branch from behind. Had I not been so shocked, I would have put my track and field training to good use and beat feet behind those kids. Sadly, by the time I hulked out, they were long gone.

So I've come up with a couple of options here:

1) Going totally medieval on CH -- No more new-fangled, new-age, lovey dovey crap. What these kids need is tough love and there is no better example of that relationship than the feudal lord-serf model.

• First I'll need a catapult. This should be easy to scavenge parts for considering all the construction going on. How do you like that for irony, kids? Th very contruction that will bring more yuppies to CH is exactly what will birth your destruction. Bwahaha! Now these catapult plans are a little small in scale for the amount of pain I'm looking to bring. But I'm confident that a few simple modifications ought to do the trick.
• Secondly, I'll need some boiling oil. We're going to the put the 'fun' back into human fundue.
• Thirdly, I will need a plague-ridden corpse. Convenienty enough, the first case of the plague this year has been documented in New Mexico. Apparently the kid is recovering in the hospital but I'm hopeful things will take a turn for the worse. The catapult should be done by then and I can launch a little surprise into the courtyard of the housing development across the way.
• Anyone who pledges an oath of loyalty to me is required to pay me in-kind with 2 weeks of hard labor every year. They can start by moving my furniture out of this god-forsaken neighborhood.
  

2) Vigilante justice

• First I'll need some PCP.
• I'll also need a lead pipe.
• Anyone else who wants to join the posse is welcome, but as always, I get first punch.

Bring in the noise, and bring in the punks because I've got a game plan. What, what?