"They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

Recently eaten: chicken and vegetable rice bowl, 5 milligrams of sunshine
Recent annoyance: hypochondria

WARNING: This is a semi-serious post. It may only cause mild guffaws and chuckles.

BACKGROUND: So I decided to blog about a current experience that might serve to educate others. After years of speculation and rumors, I have indeed been classified as chemically imbalanced. Sure, there were whispers when I started filling shoes with butter and hiding them in hunting lodges. Various rounds of therapy and copious alcohol binges still hadn't cured me of my clinical depression. I don't know if it's good or bad when your therapist announces that he has no hesitation prescribing you anti-depressants after only three visits to his office.

Here I am, the proud owner of a bottle of crazy pills. Five milligrams of carefully portioned happiness everyday is all I get until next week, then I up my dose to ten. Very exciting. Some people don't agree with using drugs, and I would say that I am skeptical. I've been crazy for 23 years now, and I would like to retain that personality hook.

DAY 1: I swallowed a tiny white pill this morning along with my uncle's Ben's rice bowl for breakfast. I waited for the hair to start growing out of my cheeks and for my pinkies to shrivel and fall off. I didn't notice any ill-effects until I started to doze off. Okay, drowsiness, I was prepared for this on the long list of mild, moderate and severe side effects. Then I started to feel nauseous. Yes, my doctor has rattled off a list of mild maladies as he handed me the prescription.

I decided to take a look at the drug online for some more information.

The first thing I read:
"What is the most important information I should know about Lexapro?
• Do not stop taking Lexapro without first talking to your doctor. It may take several weeks for you to start feeling better.
• Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Lexapro may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities.
• Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Lexapro or affect your condition."

Hmmm...let's assess. "Do not stop taking Lexapro," or what? A veiled threat if I ever saw one. "Use caution when driving." Why start now? "Alcohol may increase drowsiness." Duh.

Furthermore: "The most common adverse events reported were nausea, insomnia, ejaculation disorder, somnolence, increased sweating, fatigue, decreased libido, and anorgasmia."

The only symptom I am okay with having is increased sweating and I'm already driving that train. Anorgasmia? I don't know what it is, but I do NOT like the sound of it. At this point in the day I start to think that I hear noises coming from the empty cubicle next to me. I call my friend C. from a makeshift foxhole under my desk. Paranoia sets in about these weird side effects. C. tells me to calm down, maybe I should call my doctor, maybe I should go to the gym, maybe I should finish painting her apartment.

I continue reading: "Adults with Major Depressive Disorder may experience worsening of their depression and/or the emergence of suicidal ideation and behavior (suicidality), whether or not they are taking antidepressant medications, and this risk may persist until significant remission occurs." Erg? Am I looking at the right drug here? I backtrack to the alphabetical drug list.

• Levatol: for treatment of high blood pressure
• Levitra: for treatment of erectile dysfunction
• Levlite: birth control medication

I think a little Levatol might help my rage issues, and the last two sound like a hot date. These crazy pills might work out after all.