Phobia Cornucopia: Part II
Recently eaten: ramen, jen's leftover ham chunks, some glutinous rice pods
Recent annoyance: illegible handwriting on really important stuff
The horse. Friend, beast of burden, adhesive source. Also, and not surprisingly, one of my phobias. Peep this.
Scene: 1986, Boston, Massachusetts by the police barracks
Little Phoebe, a hair shy of being tall enough to bust up the kiddie coaster, and Mom (Sui to you familiars) roll up to the the police stables. "Won't it be nice to show little Phoebe the joy of animals and let her pet the horsies?" Yeah, give the tiny runt a sugar cube and jam her miniscule fingers into the gleaming, white chompers of Mr. Ed, masticator of death.
Oh, but my horrifying encounters with ungulates didn't end there.
Scene: 1989, Massachusetts Petting Zoo
Dad (Tommy to the homies) takes little Phoebe to the petting zoo. Little Phoebe loves animals and wants to be a vet. Dad dutifully deposits 2 shining silver quarters into the food dispenser and cups little Phoebe's midget hands under the stream of food pellets. "Now go make friends with the goats!" With a nudge little Phoebe gets sacrificed to the starving mad devil-goats of Funny Farm Petting Zoo. They rear up on their hind legs, bleating like harpies, all to get one taste of delicious food pellets mixed with children's blood. "No!" Little Phoebe throws the pellets to the ground like a urinating hamster, and runs as fast as her stumpy legs will take her.
The Inca had it right when they thought that horses were terrifying monsters. Can you really love an animal that helped bring down one of the most sophisticated indigenous civilizations in the Western hemisphere? Can you love an animal that starred in Seabiscuit? An animal that killed Superman himself?
Have some sense and make a few gallons of Elmer's glue.
3 comments:
Randy ruined "Beast of Burden" when he sang "I'll never leave your pizza burnin'." Although, to this day, I still think its kinda funny.
I was in 4H as a kid and one time a girlfriend of mine was holding my kitten while atop her horse and she dropped little Ralph and he dug his claws into the horse's ass. The horse nearly killed me, Jeanean and little Ralph.
Another time (I lived in horse country, you can tell) while pulling out of the driveway, my mom and I looked left, all clear, right, clear again, left once more and "Anthony and Cleopatra!" a huge white horse was charging at us with no rider to tame the wild beast!
Last horse story: There was once a midget pony in the woods behind my house, I think it was lost. My dad fancies the little midget ponies. HAHAHAHA! AND he likes Rob Thomas! What a weenie!
Midget ponies will only yield enough glue to seal a wedding invitation.
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