Newsflash: Japanese Are Moon Robots!

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Recent annoyance: uncontrollable napping

Japan, one-time war nemesis, creator of novel television humiliation, and now a new race of lunar robots.

Japan Dreams of Robot Moon Base in 2025
We thought the threat of outsourcing was cheap labor in China and India, but we were wrong, dead wrong. The President of the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency believes that "Japan's lunar robots would do work such as building telescopes and prospecting and mining for minerals, Tachikawa said." He goes on to say, "I see a big role for Japan's robotics technologies on the moon. Japanese robots will be one of our big contributions. If there is work where robots can replace humans, they will." All our brightest telescope-assemblers and mineral prospectors will be lured to Japan so their intricate knowledge can be siphoned into waiting robot circuitry. And what do you think happens to our hapless technicians? That's right, they get fed to Godzilla to appease his insatiable appetite.

"Tachikawa's plan follows a January 2004 decision by U.S. President George W. Bush that the U.S., with the assistance of partners including Japan, should build a lunar base by about 2020 and use it as a staging point for the human exploration of Mars." Well, well, Dubya. Making decisions based on misleading information again? Why don't you just throw Condi, Laura, and the twins right into Godzilla's gaping jaws? It's this type of short-sighted partnership that will lead the martians right us! They get one whiff of humans colonizing the moon and before you can say 'high tide' our beloved satellite wil be blown up like the Death Star.

Robots Dance and Play at World Robot Expo
More of the conspiracy is revealed, "The Japan Robot Association, a trade group, expects the Japanese market for next-generation robots -- those being developed now as opposed to industrial robots currently in use -- to reach $14 billion by 2010 and more than $37 billion by 2025." 2025: the year our robot overlords will begin living it up on the moon. Coincidence? I think not.

2025 may sound far off, but the frightening mechanized future is now. For example, "Another model, the Batting Robot, has a vision system that handles 1,000 images a second, more than 30 times the human eye, allowing it to accurately hit pitches up to 100 mph. At the expo, however, it was using a plastic bat to hit rubber balls at far slower speeds." Well hello Batting Robot, or should I say, hello Kazuo Matsui of the New York Mets?

Following in the footsteps of Pokemon, the Japanese are preying once again on the most vulnerable members of society: children, and the elderly. "A model called InterAnimal is a 4-foot-tall teddy bear that moves its arms and nods in synch to the sound of a human voice. Developers claim it can help children who have problems talking with adults." Yes, trust the giant robotic teddy bear, children. In time you won't need your parents anymore, bwahahaha!

"The robot that looks most like a human being is the Repliee Q1expo, which is covered with a skin-like substance and moves its mouth and shifts its torso as though it's breathing. It also appears to react to approaching people.

But Repliee sometimes goes into what seems like spasms when its program has a bug.

Still, it may be a precursor of the day when robots will be helping with tasks such as guiding the elderly around the streets or selling tickets, developers say." Nothing like a spasming robot to comfort grandma as she crosses treacherous road. Why not ask the junkie coming down from crystal meth to hold grannie's hand? He shakes just about as much!

"When a robot looks too much like the real thing, it's creepy,'' Osaka University professor Hiroshi Ishiguro said. "But if they resemble human beings, it also makes communication easier.'' Uh, Prof. Ishiguro must be hanging out with some creepy looking dudes.