Fingoes Ate My Baby!

Recently eaten: cream of wheat and nutella, cup-a-noodle--chicken flavor
Recent annoyance: that little tag on the inside of shirts that always itches even if you cut it off

Definition: "Long toes that could be fingers" (taken from actual website)

I am sure that you readers are genetically perfect specimens of human beauty and symmetry since I only associate with perfection. I, however, got the short end of that DNA strand. No, I don't have a humpback nor do I hide a third nipple. I was blessed/cursed with fingoes, that pariah of the digits community, that butt of all podiatric jokes. ("You know what they say about people with fingoes, right? Yeah, they are witches and should be burned at the stake." Haha!)

What most people don't know is that fingoes have played an important role in African history. I came across the following information about the Fingoes.

On the origin of the Fingoes: "This neat division of the study area was later complicated by the arrival of the so-called Fingo (a.k.a Mfengu), refugees from the Natal chiefdoms crushed by Shaka who fled westwards through the Transkei only to be subjugated by the Gcalecka Xhosa. When, during the war of 1834-5 the Gcalecka were routed by the British, these Fingoes were rescued by the missionary, John Ayliff and settled in the Cape Colony"

I can't make up material this good, people.

On the status of the Fingoes in the British regime: "As the Fingoes tended to side with the British in subsequent struggles with the Xhosa and identify with western culture, the colonial regime rewarded them with privileged access to land, particularly where such land was of little value to whites or in areas of contestation between chiefdoms. As the struggle between the Xhosa and the British on the fronter intensified in the first half of the nineteenth century, increasingly desperate Xhosa-speakers passed themselves off as Fingoes to enjoy these privileges."

My mutant toes might have enjoyed privileged status in the British Empire of the late 19th century, instead they inspire fear and terror as outcasts in society. A truly sad story, indeed. I'd like to say that having hideously long, dextrous toes has always served me well, but with great power comes great responsibility.

PROS OF HAVING FINGOES (a.k.a. Fingpros)

1. My productivity has increased significantly. I may be using my two hands to eat dinner, but my toes are busy composing complicated symphonies under the table. At work I am able to type with both hands leaving my fingoes free to make cold calls to funders. They have an amazing phone rapport.
2. I am certain that I have another couple of inches in height in me. My feet are clear indicators that I have not reached my full adult height. Why else would I need such a large base?
3. These babies have never lost a toe-wrestling bout in 23 years. You think Macho Man Randy Savage can compete with a record like that? I think not.

CONS OF HAVING FINGOES (a.k.a. Congoes)

1. Like our mutant friends the X-men, fingoes are a largely misunderstood phenomenon. There is a fingo underground working to further the awareness of fingoism and to combat fingo hysteria. Until fingoes are given an equal place in society as stumpy or gnarled toes, they will never emerge from the dark ages of ignorance.
2. Children run from me. That may have nothing to do with the fingoes...
3. In their constant quest for recognition and freedom, they wear holes in the tops of my shoes.

Be not afraid, my children. The fingoes are our friends.