Brainiacs Beware!
Recently eaten: stewed tomatoes, rice noodles
Recent annoyance: the raging disaster that is american healthcare
Hold on to your skullcaps kiddies! Since cultivating paranoia seems to be one of my strong points, I'll let you in on a massive conspiracy boiling away right under your squishy tender noses. The zombies are out to get you and I don't mean that foppish Brit band from the 60s, I mean the brain-eating, glassy-eyed, stiff-kneed types that frequent submarines and Blockbuster video at midnight. So don't say I didn't warn you if you suddenly have a hankering for a little gray matter.
Recent annoyance: the raging disaster that is american healthcare
Hold on to your skullcaps kiddies! Since cultivating paranoia seems to be one of my strong points, I'll let you in on a massive conspiracy boiling away right under your squishy tender noses. The zombies are out to get you and I don't mean that foppish Brit band from the 60s, I mean the brain-eating, glassy-eyed, stiff-kneed types that frequent submarines and Blockbuster video at midnight. So don't say I didn't warn you if you suddenly have a hankering for a little gray matter.
Scary:
Scarier:
All you geniuses out there are like a supersized meal for a zombie. They'll mow through the Mensa society like a bus full of Chinese tourists at a buffet. The key is that they want all the large-lobed to enter into the modern workforce where they will become weak and atrophied under the fluorescent lights and stale air of corporate America. It's like fattening a calf for veal. Listen to this scientist who has already bowed to the undead conspiracy: "McDaniel works with employers to screen job applicants and measure their performance. He now thinks intelligence tests are the single best predictor of job performance." The single best predictor for a tasty noodle, rather.
My research has uncovered a vast gender-biased component to this dastardly plan as well. "Another investigation led by Haier and reported earlier this year found that men think more with their gray matter and women tend to rely more on white matter, the other primary type of brain tissue." I don't know whether gray or white has a higher fat content but you can bet that it'll attract the zombies like pterodactyls to a petting zoo.
Boffins Create Zombie Dogs
"Pittsburgh's Safar Centre for Resuscitation Research has developed a technique in which subject's veins are drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution.
The animals are considered scientifically dead, as they stop breathing and have no heartbeat or brain activity.
But three hours later, their blood is replaced and the zombie dogs are brought back to life with an electric shock.
Plans to test the technique on humans should be realised within a year, according to the Safar Centre. " Cujo, Teenwolf ain't got nothing against a pack of zombie dogs. They will soil your lawn at all hours of the night and dig up the brains of the freshly buried. Zombie mailmen will become an epidemic and I'll never get my new Rolling Stone on time again.
"Tests show they are perfectly normal, with no brain damage." Anyone who has seen even the most half-baked sci-fi or horror movie knows that nothing gets re-animated with no evil side effects. Just look at Dick Cheney (insert cymbal crash here).
Brains4Zombies.com
And, finally, for the zombie that has everything.
My research has uncovered a vast gender-biased component to this dastardly plan as well. "Another investigation led by Haier and reported earlier this year found that men think more with their gray matter and women tend to rely more on white matter, the other primary type of brain tissue." I don't know whether gray or white has a higher fat content but you can bet that it'll attract the zombies like pterodactyls to a petting zoo.
Boffins Create Zombie Dogs
"Pittsburgh's Safar Centre for Resuscitation Research has developed a technique in which subject's veins are drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution.
The animals are considered scientifically dead, as they stop breathing and have no heartbeat or brain activity.
But three hours later, their blood is replaced and the zombie dogs are brought back to life with an electric shock.
Plans to test the technique on humans should be realised within a year, according to the Safar Centre. " Cujo, Teenwolf ain't got nothing against a pack of zombie dogs. They will soil your lawn at all hours of the night and dig up the brains of the freshly buried. Zombie mailmen will become an epidemic and I'll never get my new Rolling Stone on time again.
"Tests show they are perfectly normal, with no brain damage." Anyone who has seen even the most half-baked sci-fi or horror movie knows that nothing gets re-animated with no evil side effects. Just look at Dick Cheney (insert cymbal crash here).
Brains4Zombies.com
And, finally, for the zombie that has everything.
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