Beefy the Grouch

Recently eaten: double quarter pounder with cheese
Recent annoyance: New York City...yeah, you read that right. The whole damn city.

To aid in the care and maintenance of your own Phoebe, I have catalogued below the many moods of Beefy the Grouch.

1. Grumpy-hot: Sensitive to warmer temperatures and humidity, BTG prefers the milder, drier weather of the Arctic Circle. Grumpy-hot is characterized by profuse sweating from any area wider than an armpit, sullenness or complete silence (if you're lucky), sour facial expression, gaping mouth usually accompanied by protruding tongue and light panting.

Emergency plan: Proceed quickly but calmly to the nearest air-conditioned building. Do not ever say, "Hot enough for ya?"

2. Grumpy-hungry: Clinging to a dying way of life, BTG retains the metabolism of early man and blood sugar levels must be maintained at a constant level throughout the course of the day. Failure to do so will result in a lot of dead woolly mammoths. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, loss of recognizable speech, furrowed brow, snarling teeth, and bared claws.

Emergency plan: Buy anything edible (preferably meat), health codes be damned. Do not offer BTG fruit or a granola bar. Do not put fingers or toes anywhere near her mouth.

3. Grumpy-sociopathic: A loner by nature, BTG prefers the company of objects over people. Spending more than 6 consecutive hours with more than 2 people will cause symtpoms similar to grumpy-hot. BTG will be prone to extreme curmudgeonliness.

Emergency plan: Shoo away excess people, especially anyone annoying. Isolate BTG in a deserted place, put on some Nate Dogg and Warren G and let her marinate.

If by some unfortunate mishap you find yourself in the middle of all three types of grumpiness, break glass with hammer and defend thyself!

(Posted for J. and D. who put up with all three and lived to tell the tale)