Thursday, August 31, 2006

Diary of a Mad Chinese Woman

Recently eaten: nothing!
Recent annoyance: see above

I am getting a full physical today. Not since the start of the government experiment that spawned me will I be poked and prodded so thoroughly. They told me, "nothing but water after midnight." Mad, they are mad, I tell you!

6:05 AM - Roll over, my stomach grumbles, "life is pain!" Yes, Stummy, it is indeed. It anticipates that it will get nothng this morning, not even scraps.

6:36 AM - In shower, my stomach bloats to ridiculous proportions. A protest? Perhaps. Maybe it normally does that knowing I will fill the space. Not today, Stummy, not today.

6:49 AM - Getting dressed, I begin to feel faint. The psychological wear and tear since i found out I would ahve to fast for 12 hours is beginning to take it's toll.

7:05 AM - Waiting for the bus, I am going to pass out, or vomit. I am burning precious calories, ones that I know I cannot replenish until after 12 noon today. Eep! Iam starting to panic.

7:13 AM - I walk past the little cafeteria style place downstairs. Fat construction workers mock me with their runny eggs, and fake maple syrup. Oh, to just have one bite of dry french toast!

7:20 AM - I arrive in the office. My stomach growls again. It has growled more often this morning than any other morning. It complains. It bleeds with hunger.

7:25 AM - At my desk, my stomach starts to shoot daggers of pain. "Feed me!" it insists. I clutch my distended belly, "easy, compadre." I need some water. Only water they told me.

7:31 AM - I try to trick my belly. A cup of hot water...almost food. And a dip a tea bag into it a few times. A little caffeine won't ruin my test results, right? Who knows. At this point, I just want to make it long enough to stumble into the doctor's office and collapse in the vestibule, whispering "mcnugget."

8:12 AM - Holy cow, what happened? have I been ina dream? Did I pass out? What kind of medical professional thinks it's healthy to skip breakfast? I am beginning to question their ethical standards. I feel cold, so cold.

8:36 AM - I am freeezing. Is this what it is like to die? I feel like my Argentinean rugby team just crashed in the Andes, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to survive. Whatever it takes. By any means necessary.

8:40 AM -Maybe 2 spoonfuls of oatmeal. That wouldn't kill me. That wouldn't skew my cholesterol. Jesus, what kind of tests are they going to run on me? If they make me run naked on the treadmill with no breakfast, I will surely perish. Man, I would love to take a bath in a big tub of warm oatmeal right now.

9:18 AM - I tried to distract myself. But my stomach growls like a werewolf. It demands the blood of the innocent. I have half an hour, 30 minutes before I leave for the doctor's office.

9:19 AM - Be strong. When is this nightmare going to end? Feed meeeeee. Life is paaaaiiiiiin!

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