Beef Afraid, Beef Very, Very Afraid

Recently eaten: fried rice (homemade and mighty fine)
Recent annoyance: that nagging suspicion that your runny nose is actually a nosebleed

Steve's D*I*Y Enemies List
"Now, onto my D*I*Y Enemies List. I got the idea of having a D*I*Y Enemies List from an article on the site Capital Hill Blue, which stated that President Bush apparently keeps an enemies list of 10,000 people he considers his enemies and then uses governmental powers to attack them. Freedom, apparently, on the march.

The most famous enemies list, of course, belonged to Richard Nixon. Officially labelled the Political Enemies Project, the purpose was, according to the wikipedia, to "screw" Nixon's political enemies by means of tax audits from the IRS, and by manipulating "grant availability, federal contracts, litigation, prosecution, etc."

Well, that's nice. The article about George W's enemies list goes on to say: "White House insiders tell disturbing tales of invasion of privacy, abuse of government power and use of expanded authority under the USA Patriot Act to dig into the personal lives of anyone the administration deems an enemy of the state."

Well, that's just extra nice. It just gets better and better. Well, all of this politicking got me to thinking that there must be a way for the average person, for you and I, to organise and maintain one's own enemies list. If the president feels it necessary to have one, then clearly things are very dangerous, and protecting yourself with an enemies list only makes sense.

Who should go in your D*I*Y Enemies List, you ask? Well, anyone you think might be potentially out to get you, to bring you down. Remember, it's not paranoia if they're really after you. What follows is a small selection of my personal enemies, always growing, of course:

* Jerry, he knows why.
* One of my ex-girlfriends, she knows which one, for failing to return my teddy bear.
* Bill, at the copy centre, 'cause he's always been out to get me.
* Dad, for that time you wouldn't get me that cookie, when I was 4.
* Professor Moriarty.
* Big Bird.
* Mr. Dressup. He always kinda freaked me out.
* Secret Agent Sacha Chua. I want my cat back!
* King Arthur. He's after my planner.
* Scooter Libby.
* Dave Barry.
* The Dark Lord Sauron.

This, of course, is only a small list of the people who are out to get me, and I'm sure, with a little thought, you can come up with extensive list of your own. D*I*Y Planner, always on the cutting edge of personal paranoia. Remember, it's important to keep this kind of thing organised, or else it could get out of hand.

Until next time, keep your pen on the page... and your hands the hell out of my filing cabinet!"

This is a very timely and useful article for all you big fat ruiners out there. I am sure we've racked up an enormous list of enemies. But maybe you blacked out before you could write down, "that chick at the bar that thinks her moves are more illin' than mine." Keeping this list handy and updated means you will always be prepared for attack. Remember to cross off vanquished enemies. It's kinda embarrassing to totally rule on someone, only to find out you killed them already. Upsets the surviving family. And now...

Phoebe's D*I*Y Enemies List:
(Yeah, like I'd be stupid enough to publish that here. That's just what THEY want me to do.)