Kids Incorporated? Never!

Recently eaten: chicken fried rice, cream of mushroom soup, more leftover pot roast
Recent annoyance: back sweat

Kids banned, dogs allowed
"The owner of an exclusive alpine resort has banned young children but is still allowing dogs in his hotel.

Roland Ballner says that children are always badly behaved and have vandalised his hotel and upset other guests on many previous occasions.

"My guests have a right to quiet and relaxation without the noise of children," said Mr Ballner, the owner of Hotel Cortisen at St Wolfgang."

Dear Mr. Ballner,

Thank you for exposing an unspoken monopoly of family-types in the hospitality industry. Nothing about screaming children, sticky hands, or dirty diapers says hospitality to me. We big people aren't even allowed to throw a little whiskey in their milk to keep these kids quiet. Hotel Cortisen should be praised for its foresight and good business sense because, afterall, who pays the hotel bill? Big people. We are only children for a short period in our lives, the future is in adults.

Market research has proven, time and time again, that the majority of travelers to the alpine region that spend the most money are adults. In fact, the percentage of children who are even allowed to fly alone is staggeringly low. I am sure that your investors and board of directors will applaud you and your savvy insight into your key demographic.

Might I suggest that in keeping with your new theme of adults-only, you remove any milk from the premises, whole or otherwise. Cream is suitable for coffee, which is not, by the way, recommended for children. High chairs should likewise be burned or given to that lady in Arkansas with 16 children. Rounded corners should be sharpened, and wall sockets should be prominently displayed. Any diversionary toys, like crayons at the hotel restaurant, should be melted down into sexy room candles. Children do not enjoy sexy things.

I am a true admirer of your work and plan on recommmending your establishment to all of my friends.

Sincerely,

P. Lee