Mo' Money: Mo' Problems, Mo' Better, or Mo' Monkey?

Recently eaten: cheeseburger, mashed potatoes
Recent annoyance: the 50 pound car battery on the front lawn

Get rich, or die trying says Fifty Cent. Well, the man still lives, yet he's still only at a half dollar. How happy could being fabulously wealthy make you? What would it be like to wake up in a mattress stuffed with hundred dollar bills, pulling your crisp money sheets up to your face, snuggling against Andrew Jackson's loveable mug every morning versus passing out on a dank, stained cardboard box you stole fro a bum living behind Safeway? It all sounds the same, right? Well, don't just take it from Robin Leach because he's British. Read the evidence and decide for yourselves. Or if you're rolling in gold boullion, just hire someone to decide for you.

Money making millionaires 'miserable'
"The report shows that the proportion of Australians who are totally satisfied declines as income increases; 21 per cent of those in the lowest income group say they are totally satisfied, while only 13 per cent of those in the highest income group feel the same way."

It should be noted that Australia began as a penal colony, an island of filthy, incorrigible criminals. Clearly this criminal element has been passed on to the descendants of those first kangaroo-people felon hybrids that populated Australia. For example, when a bank robber commits a robbery, does he stop there? Unlikely. The taste of pantyhose in your mouth is too much to resist for these Aussies. More, more, more, how do you like it, how do you like it? Seems these richies aren't content with their genetically engineered kangaroos with larger pouches to carry more of their jewels and stock certificates.

Death less painful for the rich
My love is like "Woe!" Us raggedy vagabonds in the middle class are destined to live out our later years as pain-ridden cripples according to the newest scientific study.

"The well-off experienced fewer symptoms overall, the investigation found. They had less pain and were less likely to experience shortness of breath or depression.

Everybody tends to suffer toward the end, however.

"Regardless of wealth, older Americans carry an unacceptable burden of suffering in their last year of life," said Maria Silveira, a physician at the Veterans Affairs Ann Arbor Healthcare System and a research scientist at the university."

Well, that's good news at least. Nothing like a little pain and suffering to even out the playing field.

"Human-brained" monkeys
And finally, if I ever get my grubby hands on enough benjamins, I'm going to hvae my brain transplanted into the body of a monkey. Not to be confused with an ape.

"Scientists have been warned that their latest experiments may accidently produce monkeys with brains more human than animal." Accidentally, I'm sure. Some kooky millionaire wants an army of evil monkey soldiers and coincidentally, the poorly paid scientist discovers that "the outcome of such studies cannot be predicted and may in fact produce subjects with a 'super-animal' intelligence."

You know what I say to that? Word.